My confidence is broken…
Mini Doubt
As the deadline for Dreamz Unlimited approaches with the premiere of Asoka, a high-intensity promotional campaign has begun. As Aziz Mirza, Chawla and Shah Rukh Khan prepare to face the jury, Cine Blitz also enters the battlefield to get a clear picture of what is going on. And catches Shah Rukh in an unusually somber mood. Shah Rukh Khan offers chilling insights into the psyche of a star, the joys and pains of making films, and selling dreams.
It's a hazy Friday night and we're hurrying along in a rickety old rickshaw to meet Shah Rukh Khan. We don't know it yet, but the meeting will be one of the most stimulating and electrifying we've had in a long time. Shah Rukh, we discover to our chagrin, is like a Rubik's cube, extremely difficult to put together. He is a paragon of contradictions.
Sometimes simple, sometimes complicated. Sometimes materialistic, sometimes spiritual. Sometimes clever and sometimes childlike. But when he speaks, it is with numbing honesty and sounds wise. His critics get his sharp tongue, but among friends he is almost sensitive. Long after the interview is over, the dialogue with Bollywood's 'cherished diamond' plays over and over in our heads like a long-forgotten favorite tune. We have tried to capture the essence of Shah Rukh Khan in these pages, but we honestly don't know if we will ever be able to capture it in a few thousand words.
And now on to the encounter. Shah Rukh is lounging in his comfortable trailer (he prefers to call it purely functional), looking a little at odds with the surroundings, dressed in Devdas costume and trying to pull on a dhoti and kurta as best he can. Hidden behind a veil of smoke, the interview takes on a surreal atmosphere as we begin with the rave reviews Asoka has received from critics abroad. 'Groundbreaking,' exclaims the Asian Times review. 'Hugely entertaining... impossible not to be convinced,' says Screen International. 'Dynamic... bold... imaginative,' enthuses Variety. And Empire Magazine, one of the most widely read trade publications, ups the ante with four stars! At the Venice Film Festival, Asoka attracted huge press attention. We hear that for the first time an Indian film is being released in a record number of copies. Yet despite the hype being generated abroad, the actor downplays the enthusiastic reception the film has received. Ask him how he feels about it and he calmly replies, "You have been wonderful. Very gracious. If the film is received in India with just 50 percent of what it got in Venice and Toronto, it will be a hit. The critics there were really impressed - I thought they were much nicer than they should have been! It means a lot to us that a Roger Abbott has given us two thumbs up. He knows everything there is to know about films. He can recite any story... analyses what went wrong with the film... he is a script doctor. Most importantly, he doesn't come to criticise a film. He comes to enjoy a film, with an open heart and an open mind. When we showed him Asoka, he told us to put all our songs back in. He said he liked the insanity of Indian songs and the colour of Indian films. And he absolutely loved Santosh for making Terrorist. I know he will never compare an Asoka to Schindler's List and call it terrible. He knows and appreciates the fact that there is a sincere effort to make a good film."
Shah Rukh deftly deflects questions about the stakes involved in Asoka. Taking a drag from his cigarette, he asserts, "Every film that Juhi, Aziz or I do is at stake. Phir Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani was not a losing project as a producer but Asoka could be one as we spent far more than we thought. We sold it very cheaply, just Rs 1 crore per territory. Also, it is a different kind of film - you don't know if it will be liked or not until it is liked or not. If Asoka does well, we will enjoy the success for two to three days and then start the next film. If it is not, we will cry for two to three days and then start the next film. And finally, that is the attitude as far as I am concerned."
Shah Rukh claims that it was and still is important for Juhi, Aziz and himself to try to make films with their hands and feet. "I don't think any of us will change the way we think about cinema. We will never compromise on how we make our films. People talk about me dancing at weddings. Yes, I am a bhand, a nautanki. But I perform at weddings because I have the bigger picture in mind. I want to make money so that I can put it into the films we want to make.
The three of us wanted to make Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman ourselves. We had so many ideas and dreams; we thought we would do this and that. With Phir Bhi... we tried everything, but a story can go astray. A filmmaker can go astray. Not every picture is universally liked. But that doesn't mean you hit below the belt! And you have to admit that the attack became extremely personal."
What seemed to have annoyed Shah Rukh the most is that the attempt to do something new, to experiment, was not received in the right spirit. He says, "I was in London when I saw this film called The Beach. A terrible film! Everyone thought it was awful. Fifty per cent of the theatre was empty. And yet, when the audience came out of the theatre, they were talking about the positive side of the film. I always say to my wife, if I love my child, he will learn to love. If you like good films, people will try to make better films.
I accept that Phir Bhi... was a bad film, there is no doubt about it. What we thought was our best wasn't good enough. And yet the film was ultimately a step forward. You will never see the same special effects in another film. For the first time, the film was launched with a music video, like Asoka is launched with the release of a book. If you think the film is terrible, just write that - don't say the company doesn't know how to make films. I have been making films for 10 years, Aziz for the last 25 years and Juhi for 14 years. Which is far more than all the critics put together and their knowledge of films. Today we see critics making films and I want to ask, 'Are you making better films than me?' If not, don't tell me my film is bad. The criticism against us has become so personal! I value my audience’s point of view because it has made me who I am today, but I will not accept it from anyone else!”
When Shah Rukh says, "Maybe we won't do another film after this," you almost want to tell him to keep up the valiant fight and keep the faith. But he already goes on to say, "It would be better not to do films than to do films we don't like to do. There is no reason for Aziz and Juhi to run around to get some runs for a film with Shah Rukh Khan! It has to exceed personal satisfaction, ki hum sab dost hain. They have put everything aside for this film. Juhi has taken a month off from her commitments. Aziz has also put everything on hold. They both work late into the night for this film. The point I am trying to make is that we believe in a certain kind of cinema and we do that because we enjoy doing the kind of films we do. And believe me, this is not the act of rich, spoiled people."
Did the criticism that Phir Bhi… received while making Asoka discourage them? Angrily, Shah Rukh replies, "Four idiots can never discourage me from making films! I am far too determined for that. I will definitely keep making films. I have been given too much by cinema not to want to give back in some way. Frankly, I don't care what people say about my films. With Asoka, the approach was to make a good film and nobody can say otherwise. If I get criticism from newspaper X, Y, Z or television, well, all I have to say is that they live off me, they live off films. They should have enough tact and respect to recognise the fact that out of 200 films, only a handful take two steps forward and not two steps backwards. And the effort should be appreciated!
That is why I am not showing Asoka to anyone this time. I am not asking any favours from anyone. I am not trying to be nice to anyone. I am not easily accessible to people. If someone doesn't like it, they can fuck off. It is an attitude - not a cynical or angry one - but what I call a filmmaker's point of view. If the audience rejects my film and wants to throw it out of theatres, I will still make another one. If they do it the second time, I will still make another one. The third time they do it, I will take the hint. The fourth time they do it, I will decide not to make the film. The fifth time they do it, I will stop making films altogether. But nobody except my audience will tell me what kind of films to make and how to make them. I don't know whether Asoka will be a hit or a flop, but I am proud of the film I made. If this film fails, we might not be able to make another film, in terms of resources, but we want to give back everything we have received from the cinema with a thank you. That's the only way I know. I can't be humble, I can't be nice and I don't think the audience wants that from me at all."
Maybe people want to put him down because he comes across as so confident. But Shah Rukh surprises with a, "I am not a very confident person. I am very insecure. Actors are generally insecure and so am I. And yet I have convictions, very strong ones too. I believed in God even when my parents were taken away from me. Your faith is not shaken, your confidence is shaken. My confidence is shaken every morning, so there is no point in trying to break it. My confidence is broken without anyone having to try too hard!"
Shah Rukh says that sometimes he feels it is better to live in an ivory tower and say, 'I am a star, now stay away!' Noting that he has become quite aloof to many people these days, he says, "I have always been like that. I didn't want to talk to anyone about Asoka either. The last time I spoke about Phir Bhi... I didn't ask people to help me make the film. I said please help me set up a company that makes good films. It is important that in India good filmmakers start making better films as it is the only entertainment in our country. If you are going to write about bad films being made, you should give good filmmakers a chance."
His phone suddenly rings and he takes a call from Juhi who is facing a problem with the promotional copies of Asoka. Shah Rukh listens intently and rattles off instructions to solve the problem. The instructions are over, he turns his attention back to the interview.
We know we are annoying but we can't resist asking Shah Rukh if he feels the need to prove something to the people who badmouthed him last time... "I don't need to prove anything to anyone. They criticise me because they don't know any better. There was a time when I really got extremely nasty with them but my wife and friends stopped me. You see, I came to this city ten years ago, as a nobody. I was sitting outside GP Sippy's office, cast as a newcomer. Today I have my own production company and have already produced two films. That in itself is a big achievement and I have immense respect for myself. I have not cheated anyone, I have not done any deceptive deals, I have not conspired with anyone. I have done everything on my own merit. The fact that the film industry has allowed me to produce two films is a big deal as they don't allow everyone to do that. It means there is recognition here. Today I tell Juhi and Aziz, 'Look, we are actors and now we are making films.'
If I had my parents around today, I would tell them, 'I don't act; I produce films, mum!' This is a big thing for me. Guru Dutt made films, Raj Kapoor made films, Amitabh Bachchan made films, Aamir Khan made films. I grew up watching Aamir, Sridevi and Madhuri on TV and the bad video cassettes at home. They all make films and now I am making films too. So I cannot complain, I cannot be cynical, I cannot be upset and I cannot be angry. The last thing I will do is pay attention to someone who says to me, 'What have you done, what are you doing?'
The intense spiritual side of Shah Rukh starts to take over at this point. "It was never important that I acquire this penthouse, these cars and gadgets. I worked on getting my beliefs right. I knew the rest would follow. For me, the journey has been more important than the destination. There is a line in the book 'The Making of Asoka' where the Dalai Lama says, 'Tomorrow or the next life, you will never know which will come first.' You don't know if tomorrow will come, so what do you plan for? Do you think my joy today lies in a penthouse or a fleet of cars? I have all of that. That cannot and will never be the be-all and end-all of my life. And it is extremely lonely for those for whom it is."
It has often been said that it is lonely at the top. Shaking his head and smiling, Shah Rukh says, "That was said by someone who has never been at the top. Believe me, it is wonderful at the top! There is no problem with being recognised, there is no problem with not being able to go to Juhu beach to have pav bhaji: you can own your own pav bhaji shop! The philosophy is the same at Asoka. It is not the one who has reached his destination who is considered the conqueror. It is all about the journey itself. It is the good, the bad and the pitfalls that God has given each of us. It is up to us to take the good, leave the bad and move on to bigger, better things. When people ask me today, 'Are you No 1 or No 10?' do you think I care? Today I am the most widely recognised face in the country. I have had the biggest hits every year, from Baazigar, Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge and Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman. People offer me gigantic, absolutely unheard of amounts of money. I come out of this trailer and 20 people are smiling at me. I have two lovely children, a wonderful circle of friends, a wife and a sister, the best cars in the world and I make some of the best films there are. No, it's not lonely at the top. It's only lonely when you have nothing to respect. 'I'm at the top, what am I looking forward to now?' Being at the top can be lonely when you have no inspiration, nothing to look up to.
Today I am happy to see just a glimpse of blue sky or a streak of green or a beautiful sunset. To me, that is what happiness means. Today I appreciate everything God has given me. I say to Juhi and Aziz, look at all that we have, we have no room to put it! How can we ask for more than what we already have? Realizing that I have so much has humbled me, made me a simpler person."
Shah Rukh says he has no patience with people asking him stupid questions. "They ask me, 'Are you really happy?' Well, why shouldn't I be? They ask me, 'Have you done everything you wanted to?' and I say, 'No.' They ask, 'Are you sad when people say your span is over?' I say, 'No, because I thought I had no span, people gave me 10 years.' I know when people ask me that question, it's because they don't know what it's like. I understand why Mr Bachchan gives monosyllabic answers to questions. I read an interview of his where he says that he believed there was a rat in the attic and he spent days killing that rat. That's what made him happy. How does he explain to people that he's no longer happy with buying that second Rolls Royce? You got Extremes, now you don't want them anymore."
Ask him if actors go through a lot more than most normal people and Shah Rukh gets impatient. "We don't. You must have met a lot of stars. How many times have you met them without their make-up? How many times have you met them when they weren't playing Raj or Rahul? We do just that all day! I spoke to Madhuri and asked her when was the last time she was in a disco and she didn't remember! It's only the people on the outside who think we get exposed a lot more than them. When I was shooting in Jaisalmer, I was in that trailer. In Hyderabad, I was in that trailer. Now I'm shooting in Film City, Mumbai, and I'm still sitting in that trailer. Well, I feel helpless when I don't have that trailer with me. This is my world. There's nothing strange, anomalous, alien or fantastic about what we are. Tomorrow you could have a bestseller to your credit and you'll be in exactly the same position."
The point is not to be weird, anomalous, alien or fantastical. The point is, actors experience things in extremes due to the nature of their job. Shah Rukh agrees, "There are problems that I face that you don't even realise, problems of vulnerability, heartache and pain. Yes, we do have our comforts. We get used to those comforts too. I dread the day when I get on a plane and head towards first class and the air hostess says to me, 'Sir, your ticket is business class.' I dread the day when I realise there are no more flowers coming. Look what I'm going to go through after getting what I got. There is a price attached to being a star that other people will never pay."
The scripture says that 'to whom much is given, much is required of him.' This is true for stars too. They really have to pay a heavy price. We ask Shah Rukh if he is prepared for the eventuality when he will be gone from the screen. He says, "Philosophically and theoretically, I am prepared. But realistically, I am not prepared for that eventuality. I feel, 'You can't touch this! I am the best'. I don't think anyone can take that away from me. Theoretically, I can say that I dread that day, that I will be humbled by the thought. Everything that goes up must come down, that is a law of nature. But realistically, none of us understand the pain it will bring us."
On a run now, Shah Rukh continues, "One sentence in the press saying 'Was her double chin wobbling more than her belly?' can kill an actress. She was loved by millions and trillions of people just because of the way she looks. A single statement like, 'A string of failures behind her and the star still walks with her head held high' can absolutely ruin an actor. That is so insensitive sometimes. From the writer's point of view, it may be honest, but look at the actor, he is not used to delivering failures. Here is a man who has been built up based on some conclusions, right there. And the poor guy got used to it. I am not trying to explain bad stars; I am trying to explain poor people. An actor will never let you see that he or she is hurt. An actress may have gained weight because of a medical problem, but she cannot talk about it because the words will spread like bushfire. An actor with a burden of failures will still meet you with his head held high because he is a star. People think he is invincible. He cannot allow his failures to affect him, to make him afraid of the future. When you become a star, the one thing God takes away from you is the luxury of moaning and complaining and telling people, 'I am absolutely depressed.' Now you see, you should never envy the lives of the stars."
Night has fallen and the crickets have started their concert. Shah Rukh seems exhausted. As we say goodbye, we know that this meeting has left a lasting impression on us. Never again will we see stars the way we did before. As for Shah Rukh, only one thing is present: a happy man is never poor and an unhappy man is never rich. Yes, today we truly consider Shah Rukh Khan a rich man.