The emotion picture industry
Shah Rukh Khan on the nine surefire ways to achieve superstardom… and then be unhappier than before
The following are extracts from Shah Rukh Khan's hitherto secret journal on the art of acting... which was printed under the title How to Succeed in the Film Industry and Influence People, But Never Win Friends, but never published...
It was not published because the title would not fit on the book cover. So Shah Rukh had decided that it would be brought out posthumously or after his death, whichever came first.
But after frantic persuasion and persuasion, plus the bribe of four Filmfare Awards, Shah Rukh has relented to letting the readers of this magazine in on the secrets of being a successful actor.
The prerequisite to being an actor is the nine bhavs or rasas (not to be confused with sambhar or rasam). These emotions are explained by the star himself…
Why only nine bhavs? Why only nine feelings? Why not ten or eight and a half? The answer to this great mystery I have found after years of research... because there are nine planets... a cat has nine lives... a timely stitch saves nine... and there are nine wonders of the world. Seven wonders of the world, I hear. No. The eighth is the wonder that I am writing this and the ninth is the wonder that you are reading it. The eighth and a half was taken by Fellini and the tenth by Bo Derek.
And hence our great Indian thinkers were left with only nine.
Let me say at the outset that these calculations and expressions are a complicated matter. Every time I explain this, I contradict myself and whenever I get it right, I am misquoted.
So the publication of this piece in Filmfare is a good opportunity for me to set the record straight... or at least correct misconceptions. With that, let's move on to the secrets of being a successful star by following nine simple interpretations of the nine great rasas.
Always remember, to be a great star... you must be you... someone else is someone else... if you try to be someone else, you will not be you, you will be someone else... it is extremely confusing. So always remember and repeat, I will be me and you will remain you, and let the rest of the world fool themselves. Because we were, we will be...
and that is just how we are!
Shringara rasa (erotica)
This one is about beauty, cosmetics and yes, sex, sex and more sex.
Cosmetics means make up. It is essential to know make up techniques. The most important make up technique is to come up with good excuses when you turn up late for a shoot.
The second is that if you have a nemesis who you disgust at the very sight of and that nemesis becomes successful by some quirk of fate, then you should have the low self esteem required to associate with that person to boost your chances of success.
Remember, beauty is only skin deep, if you want your beauty to last longer, work on your skin... make it as thick as possible.
For aspiring actresses, I suggest you get the best makeup artist in the industry. If you can get a professional painter, even better (don't even think of MF Husain, he is already cast). I say a good painter because it is in to not only paint your face but also your body and appear on the cover of a magazine.
Gone are the good old days when only cars got a paint job. Imagine asking a movie heroine for her appointments and being told, "Oh no, baby can't shoot for you on Monday, she has to get bulged and painted. Don't you think her buttocks will look lovely in metallic blue?"
Not to mention what they do with their breasts!
A good professional painter also has very artistic hands. And there may come a time when, due to a lack of paints, you could do a photo session with nothing but a goofy grin on your face. Believe me, those artistic hands will serve you well in such times of paint scarcity.
Eroticism, sensuality and sexuality have always been the driving force of our industry. Although lately it seems that whatever force is driving them has either failed their driving test or is drunk or both.
Gone are the days when the camera panned to the hills and mountains when lovers embraced. Nowadays, if the director wants to show hills and mountains, the camera pans to the anatomical area you are embracing.
Also remember, if you insist on saving your virginity as a gift for your husband, don't be shocked when he turns to you and asks, "Well, was it so undesirable that no one wanted to give it to me before?" Well
, the name of the game is vulgar, cheap, lascivious, raunchy, naked and obscene. Remember all those books you weren't allowed to read as a child, you should have read them. If you think exposure is a term that has to do with cameras and light meters, you need to think again. As the famous line goes, "You've come a long way, baby, and there's no turning back now."
Even if you want to turn your back on all that, it will have to be in a backless choli... with tons of strings attached.
Be prepared to show a lot of leg, more hips and an abundance of hills and mountains. We aren't called showmen and showwomen for nothing.
Give the magazines radically different sexual quotes like "I had six hours of mind-blowing sex with a Martian named Beeblebrox and still got to the shoot on time."
Speak loudly about women's emancipation. Burn your bras; you don't need them here anyway. Make a statement about your stance on women's rights.
And while you burn your bras, burn a few bangers too. I don't know what statement they'll make, but they'll surely make a hell of a noise.
Speak about lust. Become a sex object, get angry, ask why women aren't given more meaningful roles in the movies but keep doing the crap they're offered, day in and day out. Let everyone know that you are an emancipated, free-spirited... oops, strong-willed woman with free will, not just tomorrow but the day after.
And if a waiter comes up to you and asks if you would like tomato ketchup or remoulade sauce with your fish fingers, shyly look down at your toes and gently tell him to ask your sweet mama sitting next to you... well, we can't assume you make all the important decisions yourself, can we?
Like I said...
that's just the way we are.
Bhayankara Rasa: Fear
I don't fear tomorrow because I have seen yesterday and love today. Fear is the basic ingredient to being a brave star... show it in public or in the media. In the safety of your home, be afraid of a rat but on the sets, be a brave heart, jump off six-storey buildings and then rush to the loo and change your pants, claiming that the other one is biting your pink blush.
Don't be afraid of lame excuses because when you are a star, they will believe any shit you do except the one in your pants of course.
Also remember to be a wimp at home, beat your wife, always have a headache in bed and generally be obnoxious about how hard you work and how nobody respects you. But once out there, be gallant and kind to women and your co-stars. Even if there is no puddle, take off your coat a la Walter Raleigh and elegantly slip it under the heroine as she sits around on the rocks in the open and say something romantic like "Aapke bum bahut sundar hain, inhe Zameen par mat rakhiyega." (Her bum is so beautiful, it shouldn't touch the ground)
Being fearless also includes coming out for no reason just to make yourself look macho. But that comes under the category of eroticism. Refer to this paragraph later, although I am sure you must have read this section first.
Warning! To maintain the secrecy of this section, it will self-destruct after you finish reading it... if you think I'm paranoid, remember, just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they're not following me!
The Friday the 13th Phobia:
Appears on the Friday your film is released. Be scared, nervous, cry and drool shamelessly on that day, but the best thing would be to have a complete nervous breakdown. If the film is successful, be quick to claim that you are number 1. And Amitabh was successful only because of his voice.
If the film flops, blame it on the riots, the rain or say that it was very successful in the hinterland.
Phobia of being on the wrong side of gerontology:
Happens as you get older. Remember to hate the newbies intensely, but always act like they don't affect you. Be patronizing and sweet to them.
Whenever asked about them in the media, say they are the best thing to happen to the industry while cleverly adding a one-liner like "Old is gold" and "Aged wine is better."
Remember that in the face of adversity, a star is not the one to get up and fight. He will get up and run. Look, if God wanted us to be brave, He wouldn't have given us legs to run away with... and who are we to question God's will? Feel
free to ask: isn't a hero supposed to be a role model? Well, let me remind you... that's just how we are and stop asking silly moral questions.
Raudra Rasa: Anger and Wrath
Whoever said blessed are the meek for theirs shall be the earth was right... let the meek take the earth... who wants it? We are here to reach for the stars. Therefore, you must be full of anger, rage and frustration (you don't have to work at the latter, it comes naturally in this profession).
To become a consummate professional in anger, you must first choose your targets carefully. Choose someone who is your size... the smaller the better.
The best target is a species respectfully referred to as film journalists. Disrespectfully, they are known by more original names, but we cannot delve into that because this is a family magazine.
Film journalists are really harmless, sweet-hearted and rather humble people whom God chose to create homeless and so they are constantly trying to climb into your bedrooms at every opportunity they get.
There are two main benefits of getting angry at these poor homeless souls. First, they don't physically fight back. Some educated person taught them that the pen is mightier than the sword... well, allow me to let you in on a secret... a ballpoint pen, as lethal as it may seem, will only give you a scratch and maybe a nudge if you're really unlucky.
Second, and more importantly, if you hit a journalist, you get a ton of free publicity. Anytime beats sleeping with small children, I have a bumper sticker that says, "Do yourself a favor, hit a journalist."
If you fight with your wife, take the anger out on a journalist... if your movies are falling through, hit a journalist. Really, whenever the going gets tough and you feel like hitting the world, hit a journalist. From there, the journalist will make sure the whole world knows how you feel.
GP warning:
Getting angry at a species larger than you can be very bad for your health. Especially with all the action heroes. Never try to get involved with them. When you meet them, put on your best smile (dimples and all), open your arms wide and hug them... remember, if you have a knife handy, now is the time to use it. Remember
, once you're a star, tantrums should become a way of life. Might prevails over right. Every man against every man. Manners are for losers. Let the headlines scream out, "The Fiery Star, the Angry Star, the Hot-Headed Star, the Burnt Out Star and the Completely Charred Star."
When you leave, do it like your bottom is on fire. Gobble down your food like you're being served your last supper. Even when declaring your love for a woman, say "I want you to be the mother of my children. And if you don't, I'll break both your legs."
And when the woman of your dreams looks at you in horror, shrug your shoulders and say with fire in your eyes, "That's just the way we are."
Hasya Rasa: Humor
No one knows exactly why we laugh, or why anything funny should cause us to make such a strange noise, it would be as logical to put our thumbs on our fears and wiggle our fingers as it would be to giggle or roar or howl with laughter.
The Book of Worlds
What the Book of Worlds doesn't know is that we laugh when another hero's film flops. Now tell me, don't you laugh when the circus clown falls, stumbles or falls to the ground? If your answer is yes, then give yourself 10 marks. If your answer is no, then give yourself 10 marks too for being able to lie through your teeth. Lies are necessary to survive in the industry, don't stop lying. God bless you.
We laugh when a producer puts up a set for lakhs of rupees and we don't turn up for the shoot for months. Finally, the producer at his wits' end has to demolish the set, incur a major loss and in the process loses his hair, his sleep and sometimes his sanity. To
see the producer with less hair, dishevelled, a mad gleam in his eyes and getting out of an autorickshaw instead of his Mercedes is really a funny sight. There are many such examples that would tickle your funny bone, but suffice it to say that we in the industry believe that laughter is the best medicine... especially when the wounds are inflicted on someone else.
Laugh and the world laughs with you... You will find many producers outside the film studios laughing and giggling silly at the sight of certain stars. But why some of the producers are not wearing any clothes blows my mind.
All in all, we spread happiness. You guessed it.
That's just how we are!
Vira Rasa: Fame, Bravery, Honour and Courage
Please do not assume that the term Virar Asa has anything to do with the birthplace of Govinda. It means to be honourable, brave and glorious. Yes… How can you be all these and still be a star? All these terms are subjective. Remember that Hitler too was a glorious leader who gave his life for the honour of the Third Reich.
Your motto for bravery should be to boldly go where no man has gone before. Because nobody knows what that place looks like. Remember that the really brave have died very brutal deaths. Be it the great Mahatma Gandhi, John F. Kennedy or Indira Gandhi.
Never face a situation that calls for courage. Have no principles, be ruthless and never take a stand. Feign ignorance, claim that you never have time to read the newspaper. Remember what George Orwell said, "Ignorance is bliss." God bless him for being so clever.
If you are invited to a private party of the underworld, accept the invitation immediately. Go and dance your heart out, make them happy. Because those poor underprivileged idiots are not allowed to turn up in public places and enjoy themselves. And it must be pretty lonely for them. We should never make a distinction between the rich and the poor.
If a political party asks you to help them with their campaign, stand by them even if you don't agree with their program. Do it as part of your social contribution to the nation... also remember, anything associated with the word party can't be that bad after all. Be nice to them and they will be nice to you. One hand washes the other.
In today's violent and difficult times in the film industry, it is brave indeed to be nice and cowardly. Whenever you ask yourself in doubt, what would you rather have... your statue in the market square and your face on the banknotes, or all those banknotes and the city to yourself? If your choice is the first, join the army. If it's the second, be like the tulips, yellow (cowardly)... because to be a star... that's what
you have to be.
Shanta Rasa: (Peace) Peace
A piece is something all stars crave. That is why every aspiring or struggling actor should develop a craving for roles. In the same way, every star wants a piece of other stars' success. And every star wants a piece of the producer's hard-earned profits.
And of course, every star wants a whole piece on the front page of The Times of India every now and then, dedicated to him.
Peace is an integral part of the film industry... that is why whenever anything happens anywhere that may be totally unrelated or alien to us, we go on peace marches. Now, there are certain things you could do during these peace marches.
- Wear white designer clothes and Versace sunglasses. If your skin is sensitive, don't forget to wear Solaris UV 10 sunblock lotion.
- Wear a grimly serious expression on your face, just a little more serious than the one you wear to funerals.
- Be sullen about being here and how much nicer it would be to rest at home and watch The Bold and the Beautiful on TV.
- Make sure you make at least five eager appearances in front of the TV cameras. If you go to a demonstration and don't make the 9 o'clock news, chances are your market value will be affected.
- Make sure you are seen helping some tired old movie celeb to regain his strength. Give him water, etc. just for the good old human touch. Otherwise the leader of the march will hog all the limelight.
-To get more people involved, take along a few writers whose stories you couldn't listen to out of sheer laziness. This is what Mr. Bachchan meant when he said in Namak Halaal, "I can walk and talk English." -Hook
up a co-star you've had your eye on for a long time. You can also hold hands because at peace marches this can easily be misinterpreted as a gesture of help or brotherhood.
-Look at the audience every now and then, smile and wave at them. This simple exercise will win you some new fans.
-Don't go to the march at all, claim you are shooting away from home. Don't even lie about it. Gather some friends, a year's supply of beer and drive to your farm in Khandala. To make you feel less guilty, do some pool scenes or run around and shoot some ducks.
-Stay at home in bed; excuse yourself by saying that you have a bad back or a sudden HIV attack. Call one of your colleagues every two hours. Tell them what a commendable thing the others are doing and that you regret not being there...
because that's just how we are.
Karuna Rasa: Pathos
Even after almost completing my degree, I have never really understood the exact meaning of pathos. For no two people in this whole wide world, pathos has the same meaning.
Some say it means tragedy. Some say it means intense feelings. Others say it is deep sadness. A Charlie from Calcutta told me that it is a selection of sweets for which Agra is quite famous. And all my life I thought that Agra was famous because of the Taj Mahal.
Try this simple exercise at home; ask all the people you meet in a day what the word pathos means. And you will get different answers. But in the film industry, there is a single, wholesome word which encompasses all the meanings mentioned above. The word is glycerin.
Glycerin is a thick, colorless, sweet-tasting, odorless liquid. It was invented by the Swedish chemist Carl Wilhelm Scheele in 1783. It belongs to the family of alcoholic compounds and its chemical formula is C3H5(OH)3. It extracts water from its surroundings, although that doesn't mean you can use it instead of a bucket.
Editor's note: Ignore this. The author just wrote this to impress you with his knowledge of chemistry. What pathos really amounts to is well summed up in the following poem:
I went to Paris,
and wandered alone in Lagos
Just to understand the meaning
of pathos
I tried Stanislavsky's method,
and I tried mime
But there is no city's name
that will rhyme with pathos
(So I settled for Lagos)
My mother in the film was dead,
the whole set in turmoil
The director screamed for sadness
but my make-up set had no emotion.
Shooting was halted,
but desperately I still tried.
Everyone was crying but me,
the fat producer and all the others.
Full of guilt, I decided
to leave this world,
I did not want to relive that scene.
I entered the pharmacy to buy some poison
and there I met my savior... my glycerin.
Oh my glycerin, oh light of my eyes,
with you by my side I have no fears
Even when the director screams for feelings,
your gentle touch alone gives me my tears.
Now I cry so much and sniffle so loudly
that you make me dance and sing.
With you in my makeup bag, I'm sure
the day is near
when I dethrone the king of tragedy.
Oh my glycerin, reason for my red eyes,
reason for my smile.
You came into my life
and turned me from a mere star into a crocodile.
Before you, I had to read my scenes
and get the feel for them.
But now all I have to do is open the package
and break your seal.
I shudder to think of what I am
and what I could have been.
Oh thank you Carl for the glycerin,
my glycerin...
Never leave the house without it, if anyone tells you otherwise, tell them the word feeling reminds you too much of a stomach ache... we express feelings with chemicals...
because that's just how we are.
Adbhuta Rasa: Wonder
Whenever something is beyond your comprehension, ignore it. Because if you can understand a complicated phenomenon, your IQ is too high to qualify you as a true star.
Of all the strange phenomena in the world, the strangest and most wonderful is the star itself.
Although I strongly oppose any attempt to understand strange phenomena, I must, however, reluctantly explain the concept of a star. Because some know-it-all tried to demean our star system (star system) by penning down a misinterpretation of a children's rhyme. He wanted to catch them at an impressionable age to ensure that the children did not actually think of becoming obnoxious stars when they grew up.
My research shows that this was the work of a very frustrated producer who had suffered immensely under the star system. Fortunately, I was able to unearth the actual interpretation of the famous rhyme. I'm sure this will convince the kids to grow up to become really obnoxious stars, in keeping with our great tradition.
Blink blink little star...
Notice the clever and calculating use of the word small. You should never think that you are small. You are actually all-powerful and dominant... second only to God (well, he had a head start, you know).
Who are you, I would like to know...
What a malicious intention the producer had, trying to plant seeds of doubt in the minds of children about who could be a star. The answer is obvious; you are and always will be the best.
Looking down from far away...
That was his wish, that all stars should die. Never! As if I had anything to do with it. Remember, the highest you can achieve is the position of number 1. And if your ambition is still not satisfied, set up a corporation in your name.
Like a diamond in the sky...
Be a diamond... What rubbish! And have no resale value! God forbid. May the producer who wrote this rhyme rot in hell for sending such curses at us stars. Never be a diamond. Be gold, dollars, yen or better yet a Krugerrand.
The rhyme should go like this:
Blink blink almighty star
How wonderful, the best you are
High up in the corporation,
you sell and buy
Like a Krugerrand on the stock exchange,
you rise up to the sky.
So if you want to raise your child to be a star... be amazed at how rich and spoiled he could become... from a wanton child star to an even more wanton adult star. Don't wonder why he disowns you in public and refuses to recognize you at parties. The answer is provided at the end of the book... you guessed it... that's
just how we are.
Bhibhatsa Rasa: Abhorrence
The great beauty of the Nava Rasas (nine rules) is that they provide you with surefire methods of achieving glory. Just in case they fail due to natural forces or unrest, my records provide a last line of defense…
If you cannot use Shringara Rasa (eroticism) to seduce the producer to sign you
If you cannot use Bhayankara Rasa (fear) to intimidate the producer to sign you
If you cannot use Rudra Rasa (anger) to beat up the producer to sign you
If you cannot use Hasya Rasa (humor) to persuade the producer to sign you
If you cannot use Karuna Rasa (pathos) to emotionally blackmail the producer to sign you
If you cannot use Vira Rasa (fame) to glorify yourself to get signed
If you cannot use Shanta Rasa (peace) to peacefully humiliate yourself to get signed
If you cannot use Adhbhuta Rasa (wonder) to stop wondering why you were signed
Then look in the mirror and say out loud that you are a most disgusting, lowest vermin and a bastard. If you repeat that nine times, I'm sure you'll realize that if you are that utterly disgusting, you are perfectly made to be a star.
That never fails with me. Also, just to feel bigger every now and then, think of everyone else as being most disgusting. You will feel one step above the rest. Simple logic says that if you can't rise higher, bring others down. That will make you feel bigger, relatively speaking. Incidentally, this was also put forward by Einstein in his theory of relativity... E=MC2.
Where E stands for increase (of your chances) or the (victorious) appearance
M means murder
C means (Career) career or opportunities
That means destroying or slandering the careers of your colleagues to increase your chances.
The best way to do that is to show complete disgust for the work of other stars. Constantly saying how disgusting what he does on screen is, I will never do that... it's so cheap. It goes without saying that if you get the same role, you'll grab it tooth and nail.
Well, that's it. The super path to superstardom. I applied these rasas and look where I ended up. Oh yes, I can hear some of you saying, he's so damn arrogant. Some of you may also find the methods too ruthless and disgusting. Some may find humor in it. Whatever.
Some say it's not worth it...
Some say it's very lonely at the top
Whatever the case, I like it that way because
We will be, we were and...
this is just the way we are.
Shah Rukh Khan
A quick wit, an actor who reacts quickly. He clearly has an intuitive sense of humor. The aggressive lines he has drawn to represent his hair are a sign that he can be verbally biting. He can offend with his remarks and sarcasm, but it is clear that he means well.