Sunday. Surfing the internet. Eyes fixed on the screen. The ever-present cigarette dangling from the lower lip. Smoke curling in the air.
The scene could be done in one shot. The perfect setting for a cozy conversation. Or could it? Lunch is already on the table. Can't retreat to the terrace immediately as the rain is splattering. Add to that a selection of veal insists that the afternoon snack should be eaten. On the other hand, the chops, vegetables and minced meat biryani will lose their burning hot spiciness.
OK, let me. Anyway, I end up devouring the minced meat. Thankfully, the rain too has let up, falling in just a few half-hearted drops from the sky. So I follow Shah Rukh Khan to the terrace. He is on crutches, necessary after an injury sustained during one of those risky stunts. If it still hurts, he doesn't show it.
For my part, I put ink to paper. The unruly raindrops make the notes run. The pages look as if they have been flooded with tears.
Enough, enough. I could go into a descriptive rant about the bustle and crowds of Amrit. The cement-colored apartment building where Shah resides. Where the elevator starts singing if you dare leave it open. Where I always get nervous at the sound of my name being called into a white plastic speaker before the door is opened by a rather dreamy maid. Ah, maids in India, I would like to end up with her.
But hello, hello. Perhaps it is the attunement to the prospect of SRK that is making me a little slanted. As he turns his face to the side to light one of those cigarettes, I take a moment to summon myself to some sense. Wake up.
Focus, get serious. Lots to ask, you know, questions, lined up on the pages, which I refer to intermittently, like a natkhat neta who hasn't quite crammed his speech to the electorate.
I am also somewhat caught up in the past. Whenever I have interviewed SRK, it has been like watching a stream flowing past. You have to catch the currents before they disappear. And jot down the salient points quickly.
Why not record the words, you may ask? Because the tape always runs out. Because I walk away with so many special effects (doors rattling, crows cawing on the ledge and phones ringing). And because I just want to be noteworthy.
So here are my “Forget-me-not notes” from my monsoon mission with the S, the R and the K:
(Gloomily) Do you have any choices today?
(Stares)
(a little intimidated) What I'm trying to say is, you have choices laid out in front of you... can you help yourself like you're at a buffet?
(Patiently) Do you mean choices related to work?
Yes, work, of course. What did you think?
The choice is there... one hundred percent. I find myself in a situation today where I have far too many choices... but unfortunately a choice of similar things. Because of the situation I'm in, somehow all of them appeal to me. I don't know if it's insecurity. But if I accept two out of four offers, I don't like the idea of someone else taking the other two. Guess I'm greedy.
Do you crave unusual roles?
Hmmm. Since I started my career with the unusual, the unusual has become ordinary. So my roles in Baazigar, Darr and Anjaam have found repeats in Agni Sakshi, Daraar and Dastak. I became a regular romantic film hero with Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge and a bit of an action hero with Karan Arjun. With Ram Jaane and Chaahat, I even did the kind of roles that Anil Kapoor did.
Whether I like it or not, I feel the pressure of the demands of fame. I have to give in to cliches because the stakes are so high. I certainly don't want to let success slip away. Like everyone else here, I have become cautious.
Playing a mute in Koyla was different as you can put it in today's scenario. I thought the film couldn't go wrong... and as far as I'm concerned, it didn't. It just didn't become a big hit. As far as doing something radically different is concerned, I don't know if that would be accepted. Maybe that's why Darmiyaan wasn't made with me... I didn't do it because things weren't working out between Kalpana Lajmi and me.
Even directors like Subhash Ghai say to me, 'Shah Rukh, we will do something different with you.' That's strange. I don't want to change. It took me six years to become the Shah Rukh Khan I am today.
Yes... go on.
I have become a little more attached to a certain set of directors. Aziz Mirza, Yash Chopra and Subhash Ghai tell me that I have become like a bad habit for them. They believe that I will come to the sets and deliver competence.
Koyla was written with Sunny Deol in mind. Was the script changed after you were signed?
No, except maybe to add the innocence factor. I think if Sunny had played the role, the character would have been more brooding. There would have been more body-focused. I was a little younger and a boisterous character. Incidentally, I still love the film. I liked Amrish Puri in it... I don't agree that families among the audience were put off by his loud and vulgar character. I thought he was amusing.
With Koyla, I also took a step forward to do things the Robert De Niro way. I grew my hair, worked on my physique and did all my own stunts. I had this complex that I have to be different...
You say that Amrish Puri's character was not vulgar. Please what about the busty Miss Deephshikha?
You mean Deephshikha in the film, right?
(Eye roll) Absolutely.
For her first film, she was pretty good. I also liked Madhuri Dixit, she was wonderful.
I think you called Madhuri Dixit 'aunty'?
(Breaks down) Oh, I love joking around with her. All my heroines are my aunties or mammies. I even call Juhi my amma because she is always so worried about me. Madhuri and I were in Arunachal Pradesh for 30 days with the Koyla crew... I couldn't have kept calling her Madhuriji, Madhuriji. That's not me, I can't be formal and proper... I thought Madhuri was particularly good when we were on the run.
This reminds me of something. I heard that you believe that any film that shows you running will be a huge hit. Koyla proved your superstition wrong.
(Smiles) Oh, that was also a joke. Now I will say that if a film shows me running, it will not be a hit. Anyway, no matter how fast you run, the past always catches up with you.
You like most of your films, don't you... even if they are bad?
No, you are wrong. I certainly didn't like Deewana and Anjaam. Anjaam was so awful that it scared me... and three quarters of it was pure Zakhmi Aurat. As for Deewana, I didn't like the film for personal reasons, because of the people involved in the film. I was disappointed with Trimurti because there was so much talent behind it. We all worked damn hard but not a shred of our efforts showed on the screen.
Did the experience of O Darling Yeh Hai India put you off doing unconventional cinema?
No, no, no. I liked the film (thanks Shah Rukh, me too). But I really wonder if we were all working on the same film. Ketan Mehta and his crew didn't seem to know where they were going. In fact, none of us knew what we were doing. We just muddled through and hoped that everything would fall into place. It didn't... so what? We kind of tried. Maybe the best way is to work hard with the best of intentions. Maybe there will be a jadoo (spell), maybe not.
Do you think the stars deserve the fees they demand today? Why is everyone, including you, chasing quick money?
(patiently) See, earlier, it was not disclosed how much money was made from the films. Then came Hum Aapke Hain Kaun...! and it was openly said that it had grossed Rs 200 crores. Compared to what is earned from the super hits, the stars are paid a pittance. Ha ha, so we are making up for lost time.
By the looks of things, nobody is losing money. Even average earners and flops are getting their money back . Even Trimurti made Rs. 1.5 crores per territory.
But isn't filmmaking riskier today than ever before?
It is. But it wouldn't be if everyone involved in a film project worked hard. Collaboration is what counts. One person can't work their butt off alone... everyone has to do it. Four to five months have to be spent on pre-production and meetings between all the different departments. Only then will we be able to make clear, technologically consistent films.
Are you ever haunted by the fear that if you are no longer hot in the market, it will be goodbye!?
An actor has to get used to that fear. I think I have a slightly different mindset than most. I know if I don't deliver the goods, it will be goodbye, Shah Rukh, see you someday. We will call you, don't call us. My journey has been a real solo one. I know if I don't succeed, I will be very, very alone.
But I will never allow myself to be alone. I will never let go of fame. I can't see myself doing anything else like becoming an entrepreneur and spending my days playing golf, polo, whatever. It has been a solo battle so far and it will remain that way. I will never give up. Even if I am standing on the road with an alms bowl, I will run up to the producers' cars at the traffic lights and shout, "Ek role de de mai baap." (A role please...)
Have you ever been emotionally attached to any of your colleagues?
With my co-stars, yes. I think we are all animals in the same zoo. Every Friday we are put to the test. I have seen Madhuri, Juhi and Kajol go through their ups and downs... and they have seen me go through the ups and downs too. The problem is that I am very emotional with them. But they are not.
Have any of your heroines given you gifts that you treasure?
No, they never gave me any gifts, the scoundrels!
Now come out with it, would you agree that you have played it safe in your choices?
Oh those buffet choices again! Hmmm. I don't play it safe. It annoys me when I am told that I do safer films. Please tell me, what was so safe in Ram Jaane? Or Duplicate, which is quite silly? Or Yes Boss! in which I play the kind of chamcha (flatterer) never seen on screen before.
If you leave out Kamal Haasan, who is all in all in a league of his own, I have played the maximum number of different roles. In Mansoor Khan's Josh, I play a brother and not the lover... in Karan Johar's film, I play a father for the first time... and I am in Mani Rathnam's first Hindi film.
Apart from Sooraj Barjatya and Shekhar Kapur, I have worked with all the top directors… Yash Chopra, Rajkumar Santoshi, Subhash Ghai… and they all expected something special from me, something beyond mere skill.
Why did you turn down international offers, including a project that would have pitted you against Tom Cruise?
Who told you that? But yes, you are on the right track. Frankly, I don't want to go global. Why should I go to Hollywood? Believe me, it is better to rule in hell than to serve in heaven. Indian cinema is my home, more precious to me than Hollywood, Hong Kong, Paris, or whatever. I want to be the best here. If I ever go abroad, I have to get respect, at least as much respect as Nick Nolte gets in Los Angeles. I don't want to be treated like a brown urchin from the third world. I can do without that "we are doing you a favor" look from Hollywood bosses.
What offers did you get?
I was approached about a remake of Hitchcock's Dial M for Murder and what I believe is a British TV series based on Vikram Seth's novel A Suitable Boy. Then there was a fax asking me to do a major role opposite Anthony Hopkins in the new Bond film. Of course, Pierce Brosnan would be Bond, while I would be... well... somewhere in the background.
Why did they say no, even without listening to the role?
Because they wanted to see my photos.
So?
You wouldn't ask Nick Nolte for his photographs, would you? This kind of arrogance may be silly and stupid, but if they contact me, shouldn't they at least know what I look like? Shouldn't they watch some of my films?
I don't mean to be disrespectful, but I don't want to be treated like a total newbie. I don't want to be asked about my credentials. I'd rather be the frog in the well... and for a frog, I haven't done too badly. I came to Bombay from Delhi and now work with Mani Ratnam from the South. So Hollywood can wait.
Even if I go to a party and the security asks me who the hell I am, I'm completely devastated. Maybe it all boils down to a lack of confidence.
Hey, this sounds like quite a contradiction. You are quite confident about yourself and then you say you lack confidence. What happened?
I cannot be consistent in my mindset. Nobody is… although everyone wants to believe that they are clear-headed. You cannot be just one person in your life. Whether you like it or not, you have to live with your multiple and contradictory personalities. That is why I have this fear of rejection and at the same time I am sure that I am a star until I drop dead. Complexity is exciting, simplicity is boring. It is
because of my contradictions that I am an actor, a good actor. I say this openly, yet somewhere deep down I still don't believe it. Maybe that is why even after 21 films, I am still nervous when I am in front of the camera. That is why I love retakes. I always want to find out where I went wrong and perfect my acting. For one shot in Trimurti on Bol bhole bol, I did 41 retakes. And while I was doing Circus, I got one line of dialogue "magar naashta to mila hi nahin" (But I haven't had breakfast???) right only after 36 retakes. What am I supposed to do? For better or for worse, that's me.
Don't romanticise your struggle to get it right?
Never! I have never had to struggle or make up those 'I was such a child' stories. It has never been tough for me. Some actors may spin that yarn about sleeping on the streets and channa seeng for their meals. Not me. Even when I first came to Bombay, I lived in a one-room flat, with a rent of Rs 15,000 a month.
If there has been a struggle, it has been within myself. I cannot accept anything at face value, I am always suspicious. I don't trust anyone, I don't trust myself either. I trust only my energy as it keeps me going.
Aah, your famous energy levels.
You mean infamous. I am often criticised for being too excited... that when I don't know what to do, I just get through it in a burst of energy. I do that because I want everyone around me to be just as charged, just as affected, just as energetic. At times I wish I was a writer... then I could have written my own scenes.
Instead I have had to learn by trial and error. Kabhi Haan... gave me an understanding of emotion and comedy. Not while making the film, but after watching it 24 times after it was completed.
Oh darling... taught me to spot the exact places where energy can be put to good use and where it can be hopelessly wasted. And DDLJ taught me the benefits of self-control, of slowing down.
Quite often an actor's personality can carry a scene... that may be wrong... but perhaps that is the way it will always be in our films. Believe it or not, my performance in Koyla was also about restraint. I could have easily made a lot of noise - squeaks, groans, murmurs, aaahs and oooohs - as a mute.
In Koyla, where you are absentmindedly drumming while Madhuri Dixit is dancing in front of Amrish Puri, you seemed so self-absorbed that you were not even looking directly at the camera. It was jarring.
I was instructed to do so. And if you remember, I played a servant who dares not raise his eyes before his master.
What happens when you know that a scene you're supposed to do is just bad?
I'm too professional to agree to do a bad scene. I'm experienced enough to feel the mistakes and try to work around them. With my directors, I act like a little kid. I'm willing to listen, but when I'm given a tasteless lollipop, I say, "Please sir, can I have another one?" All actors are like children... they have to be a cross between obedient and naughty.
What is your reaction to a Mani Ratnam project literally falling into your lap?
I have worked hard for my Mani... ha ha... pun intended.
Basically, I want to work with any director, be it Sanjay Gupta, Sanjay Leela Bhansali or Adoor Gopalakrishnan and Mrinal Sen. I want to be the jack of all acting and the boss of none.
Recently, I have been unsettled by the performances of Manisha Koirala and Tabu. Once, I wanted to be like Dilip Kumar, Kamal Haasan, Nana Patekar and Naseeruddin Shah. Now I want to be like Tabu and Manisha, who have delivered performances that have been appreciated by the audience and acclaimed by the critics.
Like Tabu and Manisha, I want to be in films that leave an impression on all sections of the audience. In fact, I hate being told, "You were damn good in that film." I'd rather be told, "Your film was damn good." Perhaps my performance in DDLJ made an impression because I wasn't searching... I wasn't over-excited... I went with the flow and was better.
Today, I'm not at my wits' end. I allow myself to grow naturally, like a sapling, I grow with each season. When I see the short clips of Yes Boss!, I see the new me. I am ashamed of some of the scenes I did two years ago and I love some of the scenes I did while growing. I am sure in the next five years, I will have the National Award on my board. (Laughs loudly) One of my ongoing aspirations is to win more awards than Kamal Haasan.
I assume you would like to direct a film like Kamal Haasan one day.
Sure, why not? But I would direct a film like Lethal Weapon. I would be fantastic at making action films or a wild comedy like Liar Liar. There would be craziness, not vulgarity. How I loved that crazy Abba Dabba Jabba woman in Judaai. She was great.
Where do you see yourself at the age of 40?
(Grins) I don't think I will ever be 40. I am 32 today and that is how I want to be for the rest of my life. I had a blast playing a guy from 18 to 80 in English Babu Desi Mem. But nobody saw it.
I can play a kid or a pensioner. That is easy. On the other hand, I cannot do period films like Rajkumar or Mughal-e-Azam. I cannot connect with mahals and palaces and the etiquette of a bygone age. I would not be able to deliver dialogues like, 'Aap to aaj chaudhavin ka chand lag rahi ho' because I would burst out laughing. Though my Urdu is good, I would feel like I am faking it because nobody speaks like that these days.
I cannot stagnate. I cannot see myself in The Legend of the Fall or Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice. But I can see myself in the local versions of Mission: Impossible, The Firm and Jerry Maguire. I think I feel closer to Tom Cruise than Charlton Heston. If I ever turn 40, I want to pat my belly (well) and tell my kids, "Dekho, hamne bhi kuchh achha kaam kiya tha."
What about your all too familiar dialogue style? Do you try different ways of speaking or not?
Long ago, it was a problem. But I feel that I have improved my dialogues now. There is a variation, there is a difference. Maybe age has brought it, I have curbed it. Anyway, I am known as the best dialogue deliverer after Nana Patekar.
On the topic of an actor's insecurities, I would like to ask, is there a missing piece in your life somewhere?
If you are not insecure, you have stopped growing. A year ago, Gauri's miscarriage disturbed me a lot. I felt the worthlessness of everything around me. For months, I looked at the children on the streets and wanted to kidnap them to take them home and keep them with me.
And my priorities have not changed. Now that we are expecting a child, I have returned to normal. I have adjusted to reality, I have received a motivational boost. And I have understood that everything you wish for does not just come to you (snaps fingers)... You have to be calm and patient.
I really hope that everything will work out right this time. I am a very worried man. Maybe I have injured myself a lot in the last few months, so I have been able to spend more time at home with Gauri. Everything will revolve around our baby. I want it to be a girl. I want her to be proud of me.
Look, I'm already pumping up for her recognition. And she's not even born yet.