I’m very intense about my love…
Keith D’Costa
Although Shah Rukh Khan and I have known each other for a little over four years, Cine Blitz has never actually featured him. CB and Shah Rukh have always had a tremendous and extremely heated relationship. We have always harbored a vehement dislike for each other. However, we have mutually decided to bury the proverbial hatchet. Life will never be the same when enemies become friends!
Over the course of a rather intense evening (or rather night) with the star, CB learns a lot about the man that he was never willing to reveal before. As he says, "Cine Blitz Shah presents Rukh Khan!"
Let me tell you right at the start that in this very first conversation with Shah Rukh Khan, he is not attacking or lashing out like other magazines would like him to do. Instead, we prefer to dwell on Shah Rukh Khan the man. Shah Rukh Khan the actor. And Shah Rukh Khan the star.
It was Sunday evening, 9 pm to be precise, when we sat together on the sea-view terrace adjoining his apartment. Shah Rukh seemed a little flustered. When I asked what was bothering him, he explained that some of his producers, directors and co-stars were taking advantage of him. He was quite irritated by the fact that some of his films were dragging on and on. And that he had to adjust his schedule to suit some character actors and younger actors. What really got on his nerves was the fact that some of his fellow stars, with whom he is very close, might take advantage of his niceness.
Shah Rukh fumed while mentioning the names of those who were taking advantage of him. "I will not be a damn dog. I give appointments whenever I am asked and then my co-stars cancel. Or the producer is stuck for lack of money. There are some films for which I have not been paid as of yet. In a film I am doing, I am paying the producer to shoot. He had no money. He says he has mortgaged his house. The next day I see him driving a new Maruti 1000. Tell me, is that fair?"
Why doesn't he stand on his hind legs, I ask. I can't. It doesn't seem fair. I am a thoroughbred professional. I wish others were too. Recently I was shooting with a senior star. He had to drink milk. When the shot was ready, he said he didn't want the milk. So they brought him a lassi. He tried it and said he didn't like it. Then they bought a chhaach. He didn't like that either. So it went on. He is senior to me. I have no right to speak ill of them. But tell me, if they are such professionals, why do they behave like this? If you are a professional, you should behave like one.
Recently I was called all the way to Mukesh Mills for some climax scenes. Only every other star was required for the shot. I was called there for three days but was not required for the scene. Tell me, what should I do? Some of my films have dragged on unnecessarily because the heroine has no free dates. As for Trimurti, I cannot blame her because of the circumstances. Can you believe it; I have not signed any new film for a long time, except for Yash Chopra's Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge and Subhash Ghai's Shikhar. All this is very frustrating."
I am sure it must be. And it is a pity that it always goes wrong, even though Shah Rukh cooperates by providing him with loads of dates, thereby ruining his schedule. Meanwhile, I am finally starting to do what I had earlier set out to do, which is to find out more about Shah Rukh Khan. Is he really the angry young man he portrays himself to be, or is he the soft-hearted guy I once knew?
The very first impression that comes to mind when you think of Shah Rukh Khan is his explosive nature. It could erupt at any moment, at the slightest provocation. Shah Rukh prefers to differ. "The fact is, I don't get angry. It's terrible for my wife that I get angry. I get angry when there is too much dishonesty, lies and deception towards me. Otherwise, I don't lose my temper at all. Now the media has built me up as the hot-tempered Khan, the moody Khan and all that. I'm not like that at all.
It's very strange that I should get angry. I know I was angry at the wrong people. I was angry at a journalist. Because journalists are the ones who can write about it. I don't like getting angry. It's a feeling I don't like. It's too stressful."
Just then, his favorite dog Chewbacca comes and crouches at his feet. "What happened? Who has been attacking you?" he asks as the maid appears with talcum powder and a brush. The dog hates the powder. But when Shah Rukh takes the can and starts dusting him with it, Chewbacca rolls over. He allows his master to do the needful. Once the ritual is over, we move on.
"I don't know how to react to it. Yes, I get angry, like any normal person. But I don't have a wild nature. It's not a special trait of mine."
But bad temper seems to have become synonymous with Shah Rukh. "Yes," he admits. "I don't know why. I am also arrogant, loudmouthed, brash and overconfident. All of these are synonymous with me. I don't have a good physique to be called macho. I am not good looking enough to be called sexy. I am not an outstanding actor to be called a brilliant actor. Nor do I have many hits to call me an ultimate superstar. Nor can I be called the boy next door. So, the best thing was to portray me as brash, arrogant and rash. I am not. In fact, if you get to know me and the people who know me, they will tell you that I am different from any other star they have met. I am very down to earth. What I wanted to say is that I was more arrogant before I became a successful star. Back then, I had nothing to lose. Now I have become more diplomatic. A little closer to being a wimp!”
A wimp? “The press will stop at nothing, so I go to extremes! Without giving you any reason to worry about how my statement will be interpreted, I’ll tell you right away that I’m a wimp. I may have been more arrogant in the past, but I’ve noticed that I’m extra nice to people. Even to film journalists. Either that or I’ll become more humble or a bigger wimp! Otherwise, I’ve always been like that. If people thought I was arrogant, I didn’t care. I had nothing to lose then. Now I feel like I have to be nice. It’s good to be good.
I don’t like people assuming that because I’m a movie star, I should behave in a certain way. Why should I? I became successful on my terms. It’s been a long time since we met, about four years. In those four years, I became successful and did it on my terms, and that’s good. So why should I change? That means what I thought was right. I think I'm becoming nicer than I was four years ago. But that's not a consequence of my success."
What caused this change in him?
"I don't know. I have always been like that. I would have been like that if we had met on better terms. I always knew what I would be. I always thought I would be successful. I always thought I was a good actor. When I used to say that, people would call me arrogant. Now when I say the same things, I am called honest. Maybe it was too early for me to say that. But I knew it then, because I was talking about myself. So if I honestly say that I don't think I am a good actor, it doesn't mean that I am becoming less arrogant, losing my confidence or becoming great. It means that after four years and 11 films, I should have been better than I am at this point. Now people will say that I have become humble. What changes is people's view of you. It is always a point of view.
Yash Chopra and Subhash Ghai always believed that I am a very arrogant bastard. But while working with me, they felt that I was a nice guy. We got to know each other better. During the early stages of our films, I never joked with them like I do today. I think what made me seem arrogant is the fact that I'm not as naive as others. None of my co-stars will say that I'm fake with them because it's work. I feel happiest with them, I feel like I'm who I am, most of the time.
People also say that I am inaccessible. I am not. I do not drink or fight. I do not pursue women. I do not do drugs. I am not a wife beater. I did not do nudes. I do not have a 12-inch... (cough). I am not open to hot news. That is what makes me inaccessible. I do not make headlines. That is why you have to create an article about me. I do not believe in it, although it may be good for everyone around me. I have not taken to heart that role model - being arrogant, hot-tempered, haughty, a lecherous bastard. I am very proud of what I am - a simple, down-to-earth guy who likes his little pleasures in life: my LD, my computer, my electronic gadgets. And I work hard for it.
I do not charge too much either. My price is not a crore of rupees. So I am not inaccessible on that point either. You can't say that success has gone to my head. Ask some of the directors who have worked with me only once and have not cast me again. They will not say anything bad about me. Including Hema Malini."
Why Hema Malini?
"Because you had written an article about her and how I should have got her in trouble. That I never went with her to Jaipur for Dil Aashna Hai. It was completely baseless. I should not go to Jaipur. That became embarrassing. Even now, when I meet Hemaji, we just smile. Another magazine claimed that I got Hemaji thrown out of Ramesh Sippy's Zamana Deewana.
In fact, I kept coaxing Hemaji to do the film. After all, she is doing a film after a long time. Also, I am so happy in her presence. The same goes for Raakheeji. I love them. Sometimes I just drop in on them, for no reason at all. Just to be with them."
Coming back to his arrogance. "I am arrogant... I am confident. What is wrong with that? I am happy with myself. You don't think you are shorter than anyone else. Never mind that I am not good-looking! At least I am honest. There are
times when I have been honest in an interview and Gauri has called me out on it. She has often advised me to be diplomatic and say that I do not want to talk about it. 'No comment' is the ultimate hypocrisy. In an interview, I have to reveal some things about myself. What the hell is the point of giving an interview where I am so secretive? In an interview, I will give you 99 percent. A part of me will never come out. In that 99 percent, I am completely honest. Things like my innermost fears I will never reveal. I cannot even talk about that with my wife.
When I read film magazines, I find them very boring because I can see the stars lying through their teeth. Sometimes a reporter asks a question knowing that the answer will be a lie. If we both know that, let's not fool each other. Let's fool each other honestly. I know that at times I use people to my advantage. A lot of people use me to their advantage. Let's do that honestly. If a producer says, 'Shah Rukh, I need you because you are a star', I am doing the film because I need him as a producer. Let's not resort to extra ass-kissing because we don't need that. The people I work with are people who are quite clear. 'We are doing you a favour; you are doing us a favour'. We are using each other.
People who are not confident are dishonest. I am very honest. That is why I am so confident. I don't hide anything, I have nothing to hide. No skeletons. I don't do much wrong. So why shouldn't I speak so highly of myself? I believe that I am the best person I know. I like myself. I am a good guy. I like myself the most. When I speak about myself, I never speak about others. I am the best. Therefore, I should speak about myself as I know myself best. Nobody understands that. At least I don't mock anyone. I know myself. I can only speak about myself. I think I am the best! There is nothing beyond that. If everyone is concerned with themselves, the world will be a better place to live. It is good to be self-centered and talk about yourself."
Shah Rukh may sound terribly idealistic in his thinking, yet you wonder if he is so pragmatic when he is angry. Does he think about the repercussions of his actions when he lashes out?
"If you thought before you lost your temper, you would never get angry. Anger is a sign of weakness. When you get angry, you are somehow proving to the person you are getting angry with that you are weak. When I get very angry with someone and I know I was wrong, I don't mind apologizing. But I don't think words make up for the wrong I did. Weakness always puts you in an embarrassing position. That is a subject I don't usually debate."
I parry his previous statement. No one can bring a dead person back to life by apologizing. But at least he apologized for it. "It is very kind of the person I got angry with to forgive me. When I say, 'Keith, I'm sorry, bye,' or even if I say it nicely, 'Keith, I apologize for what I did,' I am only absolving myself of my own guilt. However, it does not in any way erase the humiliation, the physical pain, that you may have gone through at the time I was angry with you. So it is up to you to say, 'Fuck it, OK,' and accept my apology. Still, the humiliation has happened regardless."
Shah Rukh referred to an unfortunate incident that happened between us and has thankfully been cleared up. "The humiliation happened. I got angry with you in Mehboob Studio. At that time, you felt bad or sad or angry with me. You felt something. You accepted my apology and said, 'Let's put bygones be bygones', which in no way will erase what happened. Under no circumstances can I right this wrong. So I try to do good. If you have done something wrong, you have to pay for it. It is better not to do anything bad.
I feel bad but you cannot change what happened. It was a weakness. It will be nice not to be so weak in the future. I still lose my temper, but then again, everyone does. Please don't portray me as a god of violence."
While it may seem contradictory, one cannot help but think that all the temper and violence is nothing but a facade. Beneath that explosive exterior lies a vulnerable, decent, fun-loving boy. And we all know that Shah Rukh is a good actor too. "It's possible. As for the first half of your question, when I am angry, I cannot act. I could not have acted when I was with you. I have never told this to anyone. If I were to describe myself, I would say that I can take everything in life with humour - the sad and happy moments, the violent and tragic, the beautiful, romantic and the worst. I can laugh at anything I have done or that has happened to me. I can even joke about the skirmish with Cine Blitz. I did. I could afford to because I was. Please, I am not a masochist or a sadist. I even joked when my mother died. And I feel a lot for my mother. Her death was the biggest loss of my life. When my mother died, I was busy joking with my friends in the next room. If someone who didn't know me saw me doing that, they would have thought I was crazy. It's not a sadistic or mean streak. That's what keeps me going sometimes. Life is not meant to be taken seriously.
There have been times when my wife, my sister, and my close friends have told me to take life seriously. I can't. I can joke about anything. I joked about my dead mother while her body was still in the house. Her death was the saddest moment of my life. And yet I laughed and joked with everyone."
Perhaps his mother's death triggered some kind of defense mechanism. "Maybe... That's the best way to cope. It's quite possible that I do it to hide my feelings. I could do it because I can't accept reality. I never claimed to accept reality. I don't live by the rules of this world. I live by what I think is right. It's like living in your own world."
That in itself could spell trouble.
"I would rather live happily in a fool's paradise than sadly in someone else's hell. You don't know what is right or wrong. You realise later. So why should I go by any preconceived notions like, 'Let me worry about this world and die, brooding and crying.' Shit! I would rather be happy in my fool's paradise. I am happy. I rule in my kingdom. I live by the things that people say I shouldn't live by. People tell me to come out of my shell because the world is much bigger and live in society. But I am happy. I feel safe in my own world and so far it has worked."
In other words, Shah Rukh feels very insecure outside his own little cocoon. "That's it. That's what it means. If I am safe in my world, I am insecure outside. Why should I make my life hell worrying about others? I am an escapist, like an ostrich.”
A simple conclusion could be that Shah Rukh is afraid of getting hurt. “That is also the psychoanalysis that Juhi Chawla did. She said, ‘Shah Rukh is afraid of getting hurt, that is why he behaves like that. Otherwise, he is a sweet guy’. Let me say, I am an escapist. I don’t like to face situations. I am afraid of reality. And in that way, I am not a wimp. I don’t think you are a wimp if you are intimidated by a situation. You are supposed to be. After all, you are human. You are born to be afraid. You are not God.”
However, he has previously claimed to be a wimp. “I am a wimp. I think a lot of the things I do are pathetic. And yet I do them and I am proud to have done them. I am not just one. I can't just be a guy or a wimp. I'm everything. That's what I do with my characters. My character isn't just this good guy, a flawless hero who rides a motorcycle and is a real guy. Damn...! My guy is very human. If he loves and wants someone, he's selfish enough to kill someone. There are no heroes anymore. Heroes ended with Mahatma Gandhi. We've reached a stage where we have to create heroes who aren't completely flawless. Because it's as funny and as real as Superman. There are no supermen or superwomen. Even the Superman comics have been abolished because nobody believes in them anymore. Times have changed.
That's why I say I run away from reality as much as possible. The fact that I can admit all this shows that I am not at all arrogant and overconfident. I try to hide myself as much as anyone can. Nobody is Mother Theresa. Nobody is Mahatma Gandhi. I am human. If someone comes to beat me, I will run away. It's just that when I say I live by my own rules, people misinterpret it. My rules are the basic human rules. I have a platform to talk about them and people have a platform to read them and say, 'Shah Rukh Khan said that. He is very arrogant. He doesn't give a damn about others.' How many times have you given a damn about others? I feel sad when someone's family member dies. I keep telling people to find the Shah Rukh in themselves. Everyone is like that.
When I say I am insecure, I don't mean my work. I do not feel insecure or threatened by others. I am afraid of myself. Why should I look for more threat? I have my own problems. I tell people, 'If you realise how many problems you create for yourself, you should try to solve them rather than solving other people's problems. That way the world would be a better place to live. You are right, I may be insecure! I am insecure.'
Does he regret any incident where he lost his temper? 'Not at the moment. At this point I have no regrets. I remember an incident when I was in a fight with one of my best friends. Chabi Kumar caught me by the neck and had a fruit knife in his hand. I was very scared, so I grabbed him by the neck. He was so angry that he started crying. That gave me instant courage. In that moment of weakness I hit him. He fell down and I was on top of him. I was pulled away by my father and uncle. But I knocked out four of his teeth. I was very young at the time. This is an incident that I am very sorry about. I regret this outburst of violence.
This event made me realise never to hit anyone. I realise that if I hit someone without meaning to, I can hurt them more than I intended. It is better not to do something that you know you cannot control. It is like driving a car at 200 km/h. I do not drive like that because I know that after a while I will not be able to handle it. That is why I never hit anyone. I do not know the extent of the damage I would cause."
If Shah Rukh were the victim of someone's temper, he admits, "I would be scared if I was in the wrong. But if someone was being rude to me and I had done nothing wrong, I would hit them. You only get scared if you were in the wrong. Any guy who tries to be violent with me, I will beat the crap out of him. I know that. You have to be heartless to do anything violent. I get very passionate in my anger. I never get angry just for the sake of it. When I get angry, a lot of pain comes out. It's not meant to be a show of strength. It's not macho behavior. I'm not macho at all! I know a lot of film heroes who are and will behave like that. 'I'm going to punch your face, man'! I'm not like that. Anger is a very emotional outlet for me. There's a lot of anger mixed with pain. I never enjoy my anger. I have never done it like Amitabh Bachchan in the films. I am more like Om Puri in Ardh Satya.”
People say that whatever Shah Rukh does, he does it with a certain intensity. “I am very intense. That is what the media made me believe. I am who I am. I did not know it could be described in words. I like to think of myself as a carefree, good person. You can also add good and nice. I pursue things very intensely.”
Is that intensity or passion?
“I cannot differentiate. There is passion, maybe that is why there is intensity. I tell people that if I do anything, it has to be done right. There is a little bit of eccentricity in that. I get behind things. I do some strange things because I want them to happen right now. I like pursuing things, completing things. I get abused at times about shooting. There is no way Shah Rukh will leave the set without completing his day's work, day or night. Sometimes I have to overwork myself. It sounds good to be intense. So I believe I am intense. I don't know if I am a fanatic, but I am very intense in my love for Gauri, my sister, for my dogs, my house and the people around me. I am very intense in my work.
But don't confuse it with commitment. I am beyond that. I didn't like it when people said I was involved with Gauri. I don't like the word. For me, everything is beyond involvement. I can't just be involved in the execution of things. I am very intense, very passionate about my work. It is an outlet. Yes, I am intense."
In case you haven't noticed, Shah Rukh comes across as a typical Scorpio man. Ambitious. Hot-tempered. Possessive. "This is according to Linda Goodman's zodiac signs. Yes, I am very possessive of Gauri. I am also very ambitious. There is nothing that stops me. I am more ambitious than anyone else in this industry. My standards are so high. I want to surpass what I have done. I am very possessive of my secrets. I am very jealous about so many things. On top of that, I don't want anyone to know the real me. Yes, I am very possessive of Gauri. I wouldn't let her talk to anyone. Seven or eight years ago, nobody knew that Gauri and I were seeing each other.
One time, we were at the same party. There was this goonk who tried to hit on her. I couldn't come in as Gauri's friend and say, 'What the hell are you saying?' If you can't do that, you feel insecure. You feel so helpless. Then I took it out on Gauri. I got angry with her. 'You can't talk to the guys'. 'You can't go there'. I'm not that possessive now. But if any guy looks at her, I will rip his eyes out. I know that. If someone tries something and I know she can't handle the situation, I will tear the guy apart. I'm still very possessive about Gauri, my sister, even my dogs."
And that's the one thing I can vouch for. People may describe Shah Rukh with all kinds of adjectives, arrogant, violent, possessive, insecure, passionate or whatever. But the one thing you can say is that despite his idiosyncrasies, he is a good human being. What better way to say it than in the words of a man who is the epitome of a true actor, Nana Patekar. "Shah Rukh Khan is a very nice human being. I like him a lot. He is a real actor. Whatever he does, he does it with all his heart. There are not many like him. Others are all fakes. That's why I like working with him!"
Do we need to add anything to that?